THE SARCASTIC SOBS
I recently wrote a multi-chapter editorial on the elusive “guy-cry” movie, just in time for Valentine’s Day. Springing off conversations I’ve had with friends and inspired by Tom Hank’s Dirty Dozen retort to An Affair to Remember in Sleepless in Seattle, I compiled a categorized list of movies that make us men tear up and blubber like babies. The eight categories were: war and patriotism, sports movies, nerd moments, civil and historical atrocities, man’s best friend, institutionalized, macho men, and childhood connections. I finished it with an obligatory ninth and final chapter on the “chick flicks” that make our lovely partners cry, yet are movies that men will never admit to doing the very same while watching.
I am a self-admitted softy who has no problem crying in a movie (and have several times). Shucks, I was tearing up just watching and finding all of the YouTube clips I used to put together the article. However, as Brad Paisley likes to sing, “I’m still a guy.” I still have all of the sarcasm that I am designed to have and think this editorial series needs one more chapter. This bonus chapter has all of the forgotten emotional and manly moments that make us men cry, just in a more ridiculous and shallow way (as in we don’t cry at all, well, except on the inside).
So, I’m writing this last chapter to regain my man-card. Enjoy!
MAN’S SECOND BEST FRIEND
A man’s best friend is his dog, but his second best friend is his car. Every man loves his automobile, so when something terrible happens to a really nice car in a movie, we cry a little on the inside, even if we know they’re fake cars. There are nearly endless examples, but take these to start:
Ferris Bueller’s Day Off— Come on. We all cringed when that classic Ferrari started to teeter, let alone when it crashed in reverse out of the window (or the aftermath).
Vanilla Sky— Speaking of Ferraris, Cameron Diaz wrecks a pretty sweet ride and Tom Cruise’s face at the same time.
The A-Team— “You can’t park there. It’s a handicapped spot.” Check out the end of the trailer. I pity the fool.
The Other Guys— Dwayne Johnson and Samuel L. Jackson ruin a perfectly good Chevelle before ruining themselves.
Waiting to Exhale— Don’t cheat on Angela Basset.
Gone in 60 Seconds (1974)— 93 cars were wrecked in the epic 40-minute chase scene of the original. Here’s a taste.
...Any James Bond car wreck, both new and old, or any other needless destruction of a gorgeous car that I missed.
THE OH-SO-CLOSE MOMENTS OF RUINED BLISS
That might sound like a romantic name for a category, but, rest assured, it’s not. I believe Blue Collar Comedy comedian Ron White said it best referring to a trip to a topless bar by saying once “you’ve seen one woman nekid… you wanna see the rest of them nekid.” A man will cry on the inside during a movie when he is denied the dreamed-upon anticipation of nudity. There are of these denials and would-coulda-shoulda’s, but here are a few. What can I say? We’re men…
Gilda— There’s a reason why they watch Rita Hayworth movies in The Shawshank Redemption.
There’s Something About Mary— Matt Dillon took way too long getting those binoculars ready (way to get her back later in the movie, Matt).
The Girl Next Door— 24 star Elisha Cuthbert plays a porn star the whole movie and never delivers the goods. She must have went to the Julia Robert school of heart-of-no-nudity-gold.
National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation— We all want Clark Griswold to finish his fantasy without interruption.
Flashdance— Spoiled by a big bucket of water. I bet that water was symbolically cold…
From Dusk Till Dawn— Why did Salma Hayek have to turn into a vampire?
Varsity Blues— The famous whipped cream bikini has to make this list, especially when the guy leaves after all that. Dawson, you are a dumbass!
Closer— Dreaming to be in Clive Owen’s seat and only catching the end of Natalie Portman dancing for him is painful for the rest of us.
Any CGI nudity— When the real-thing is obscured, altered, or blocked by technology, as with Angelina Jolie in Beowulf and Jessica Alba in Machete.
THE LITTLE MOMENTS IN-BETWEEN
I don’t have specifics here, but there are signature little moments that make us men cry on the inside and stick a tongue in our cheek:
Any time a large cake is dropped in a movie— Like in The Sandlot, Easy Money with Rodney Dangerfield, or even in a kids movie like Nancy Drew. The same goes for any ruined food, on any scale, from a full dinner to the little boy dropping his ice cream cone on the sidewalk.
Any time a delicate object that took hours to build is ruined— That goes for anything like plates, carefully-glued models, sculptures of any kind, other works of art, or anything that took forever to clean as well.
Any destruction of a guy’s kind of sacred place— We’re talking on the scale of every beloved casino in Las Vegas getting smoked in 2012 to the thousands of second-class storm trooper construction workers killed in the destruction of the second Death Star in Return of the Jedi.
Any moment when a nerd wins— Whether it’s classic Anthony Michael Hall, John Cusack, Adam Sandler as Bobby Boucher in The Waterboy, Jeff Goldblum in Independance Day, Kevin Smith movies, or any achievement of success in Revenge of the Nerds or its ridiculous sequel.
Every time a guy is struck in the groin— Uncountable examples of kicks, punches, and objects all make us cry a little on the inside because we know how it feels. Honorable mention in the pain department goes to Steve Carell getting his chest waxed into a man-o-lantern in The 40-Year-Old Virgin and the “we’ve got a bleeder” cringe of There’s Something About Mary.
See, us men are still as common and caveman as they come!