Oh breaking up is hard to do, and that’s why so much focus, advice, and attention is given to the people being dumped: how to handle it, how to move on, etc. But what about the person actually doing the dumping? They must face the title of being the “bad guy” in the relationship or the reputation of being a “player” or “a dog”.
Most people are too afraid to tell their mate why they are no longer interested because they are afraid of hurting their mate’s feelings. In reality, they are probably just trying to save face. But as much as it may hurt in the short run, they’re actually doing themselves and the other person a favor by telling them the truth.
In high school, I had a professor who was very ambitious, he had a PhD, a business, and taught also at the local college; he always encouraged us to strive for our best. By many people’s standards this professor was successful and grossing well over $100k per year. One day someone asked him where he got his ambition from. His answer stayed with me for a long time. He explained that one day he got dumped and the girl said she couldn’t be with him anymore because she felt that he would never amount to anything. Well that lit up a fire in him, and he certainly proved her wrong. Although, the truth was painful to hear it helped him improve himself for the next person. He never got back together with that girl, but found a much better one. So although in the short run it hurt but he was very grateful to hear the truth.
Many daters are genuinely looking for that right fit. But unfortunately daters run into too many Wrong fits before Mr. or Mrs. Right comes along. Since it’s painful for most people to admit they’ve made a mistake, daters usually do one of two things when they aren’t feeling the relationship anymore: one, they stay and emotionally check out and cheat; or two, they disappear with no warnings in hopes that the other person simply goes away, eventually in both of these scenarios backfire and they end up being the “bad guy” breaking the other’s heart, and leaving little to no explanation. Of course this creates bad dating Karma.
Many daters complain that they can’t find Mr. Right and Mrs. Right, but when you ask them about their dating history, there is always that person or persons, you know who they are, those nice guys or nice girls — that they’ve run all over — mistreated or didn’t give a fair shake. So because we all deserve to be happy and get exactly what we are looking for in a relationship, that “it’s not you, it’s me” speech could very well be true. But in all honesty, it was them. So letting them know what caused you to bail could save them much heartache in the future.
By telling someone why you find them updateable, you are giving them a choice to take a good honest look at themselves to see if they have anything that may need changing. You are not forcing them to change, you are simply explaining why you can’t date them, no need to feel bad about it. At that point they can either chose to change it or decide that they are okay with the way they are. Either way you give them much needed closure, you walk away with a clear conscience and you get some good dating karma, and who doesn’t need that?
Here are some tips gently and successful let the other person know why they’ve been dumped:
- Soften the blow by using the “sandwich technique”: Letting them know about something you like, something you don’t like, and end with something you like. Studies have shown that this softens the blow.
- Don’t go into too much detail unless they ask. It’s important to keep it brief. Know that most people will wonder what went wrong when a relationship ends.
- Realize that there is no easy way to do this, it sucks
- Finally, DON’T feel guilty, know that you’re hurting them in the short run, but helping them in the long.
For more dating tips and check out He’s Not Mr. Right, He’s Mr. Right for YOU! available at www.mrrightforyoubook.com