Oh, no! The National Enquirer is reporting that Todd Palin– former first-wife of Alaska to Governor Sarah Palin– has been cheating on his wife with a massage therapist from Wasilla. Is it true? Is it all conjecture? Does it matter? That’s funny, even though infidelity usually isn’t, and we can tell you why below, my gentle Examiner readers…
We’re big fans of Sarah Palin here at Comedy Examiner HQ, for any number of reasons. For one thing, Palin represents the absolute pinnacle of lunacy amongst the current crop of lunatic politicians, and the most extreme thing in the room is always worth a few punchlines. For another thing, Sarah Palin is prone to some truly absurd behavior, and that’s the kinda thing that just invites snarkiness. More than anything, though, Palin is just an easy target, and when we’re hard up for something to cover here at Comedy Examiner HQ, we can always rely on Sarah Palin to be a fish in the proverbial barrel.
This week, it appears that the big news at Palin HQ could be that Todd Palin– Sarah’s husband, who is at once rugged and hopelessly whipped (“Can I get you a shoe-shine, Sarah? How ’bout some coffee? Want a back rub? Can I use the bathroom now?”)– has been “carrying on” behind his wife’s back. Yes, the National Enquirer is reporting that Todd Palin is having an affair with a Wasilla, Alaska-based massage therapist. Ruh-Roh!
Because the report originates with the National Enquirer, I’m sorry to say that none of us oughtta be giving this rumor the benefit of the doubt. This is the same publication that sells “Healing Crystals” in its back pages, the same rag that you point and laugh at in the supermarket check-out, the one that insists– time and time again– that the world is either A) being run by “secret aliens”, B) on the verge of Armaggedon, or C) home to a small boy who lives in a cave and looks suspiciously bat-like. Really, on any other day, we mock the Enquirer just as hard as we mock Palin, so there’s no reason to stop doing so now.
Unless, of course, you really, really, really want to believe the rumors. Yesterday, it was revealed that Palin has a 19% approval rating amongst Americans. When your scores are that low, people are just aching to see you fail. Obama, Bush, and Clinton before them all had their vocal public detractors, but the level of schadenfreude that Americans freely admit to experiencing when it comes to Sarah Palin’s mistakes is something else entirely: If Sarah Palin was in a (non-lethal) head-on collision this afternoon (probably while practicing her three “Emotion Faces” in the rearview mirror), I guarantee you that many toasts would be made to Wasilla’s slippery roads in bars all across America tonight.
So maybe you’d like to believe that Todd Palin is steppin’ out on Sarah Palin. Maybe the idea of Todd Palin sneaking off in the middle of the night, climbing aboard his snowmobile, and meeting a massage therapist in a remote igloo gets your motor running. Maybe you don’t even care about the moral issues revolving around this proposed infidelity, even though you usually condemn that sort of behavior across the board. I submit to you that, if this is the case, you’re just like every other Palin-hater that enjoys watching Alaska’s former Governor twist in the wind. And you shouldn’t feel the least bit bad about it.
Frankly, someone like Sarah Palin– who’s always on TV explaining why everyone but her is wrong, or how whatever she’s recently done to annoy everyone isn’t a “mistake” (despite there generally being overwhelming evidence to the contrary)– brings this kinda thing upon herself. She has established herself as a villain to 81% of Americans, and what do we do when we see villains on TV? We root against them.
Imagine you work in an office. Every day, this one co-worker comes in and makes a series of incredibly stupid moves throughout the day. Maybe this person misspells something on their Powerpoint presentation, or they mistakenly send out a series of racist emails to everyone in the office, or they crap their pants during a really important business meeting. Point is, this kind of thing happens every day to this co-worker, but on every following day, this co-worker will send out memos, emails, and make announcement reminding everyone how smart they are, what a great leader they are, and how they totally crapped their pants on purpose. What, you thought that was an accident? You must be a Socialist.
You’d come to dread every new email, memo, and announcement from this imbecile, because you’d know that it was bound to be more whining, explanations, and poorly-worded nonsense. You wouldn’t be able to stand next to this person after a week (and not just because of their crappy pants). You’d want to see them driven from the office, never to return. You’d be working– more or less– with someone just like Sarah Palin. And every time this person spilled hot coffee on themselves, or got a parking ticket, or had the Coke machine eat their dollar, you’d be cheering on the inside, thrilled to see this obnoxious person getting their ass handed to them by karma.
As such– if the rumors are true– it will be hilarious if Todd Palin is cheating on Sarah Palin. Following (and durign) a series of moments that revealed just how selfish, annoying, out-of-her-depth, and mean-spirited Sarah Palin really is, the Palin-haters of the world have enjoyed her every mistake, setback, and bit of misfortune because they recognize her as selfish, annoying, mean-spirited, and out-of-her-depth. Sarah Palin is a borderline cartoon character, but she’s also a Bond-villain (one that might’ve shown up during the Timothy Dalton-era of that franchise), and– like I said before– it’s our job to actively root against the villains.
So, if her husband’s cheating on her? With a massage therapist? All I can say is: LOL.
And stay tuned for more funny news, reviews, interviews, and more from Comedy Examiner HQ in the near future, folks. We’ve got all manner of nonsense to keep you entertained and informed during the week, so hit the “Subscribe” button up top to get all future Comedy Examiner articles delivered straight to your inbox, free of charge, the moment they’re published…including all of our future Palin-related coverage.