I admit it; I get a big kick out of perversity. Plenty of times, when I have been up procrastinating brooding, I’ll read through the adult jobs section of The Village Voice for example, just to see the nooks and crannies of human behavior. (So far, one of my all-time personal favorites, was the guy willing to pay $100 in United States currency for any woman who will wear leggings during a dinner date with him. If you’re a female something-or-other, and unemployed and you have some leggings…girl, what are you waiting for? Okay, he’s 5’5” and from the Bronx, but don’t give me that look. You need a job, he needs a date…the circle of life, etc.) I also enjoyed the ad desiring to shoot women’s derrières, requesting replies be sent to the email (I swear I did not make it up, but I am thinking about stealing it since it’s just too, too brilliant):ratemybootyclap@gmail. I’m proud to be American/’cause at least I know I’m free…
But there are many types of perversity which I cannot stomach (people who name their cats after artists; wondering if the world as we know it would end if Sarah P. moved into 1600 Pennsylvania Ave; J.Ho. talking about “mommy guilt”…oy), and a biggie is the news that Kat von D and Jesse James (ugh, just that name irritates me. It’s the sort of moniker a semi-illiterate pro wrestler from Missouri would define as “clever”.) are engaged. Bleah. Just writing those words makes me feel dirty & defiled, and not in the good way (wherein a hot 25 year old boy is involved), but in the Baby-Doc-Duvalier-returning- to- the-scenes- of-his- crimes-in-Haiti-to-see-what-else-he-can- loot-kind-of-way. Do not want!
I mean, obviously no outsider can ever know what goes on in a relationship, but hello, didn’t he just rather egregiously cheat on Sandra Bullock with some skanktastic “woman”…and now, a whopping 5 or 6 months after the divorce, he’s going to marry…hmm, another skantastic woman. Okay, maybe I see your point; there does appear to be a trend developing. I def think Kat deserves whatever tsoursis she has coming; I wasted one drunken afternoon last summer watching an LA Ink marathon and not only will I never get those hours back (probably, let’s face it, to use broadening my mind on Deadly Women or Women Who Kill. Truly, quality American programming, kids.) but my god, her incredible displays of passive-aggressive cruelty towards her staff; her preternatural ability to divide and conquer her employees; as well as her incredibly manufactured “interest” in those lucky enough to get tattoos by her really ruined my buzz that day. Yucky.
I would say that clearly J² is on the rebound but this entire “engagement” has probably just been devised by their publicitists for attention. I mean, to define someone as on the rebound is, for example, to point to my most recent victim ex-boyfriend who spent all summer crying and is now dating a very nice girl (translation: NOT HOT! Hahaha! Not even a little bit hot. But oh well, he’s getting older and broker too.), and I’m sure they’ll be very happy together being mediocre together. On his food stamps. And did I mention how I broke his heart all summer? Ahh, memories/light the corners of my mind…good times.
No, what Jesse and Kat have is either “produced” in someone’s smoke-filled room or just some blatant form of desperation, such as wherein he says, “She stood by me when everyone else turned their backs.” Oh. So, she knows you’re a cheater but this time it’s going to be different right, since you two have experienced what Schopenhauer would describe as the nature of true love? You’ve plumbed the depths of each other’s um, souls? It’s hard to even write that word in this context. I guess it could simply be two sleazy, overly-tattooed, emotionally empty “sentient” humans looking to avoid being alone and to capitalize on such physical interaction…but that’s not possible right? They’re in wuv, true, true wuv.
And, on that note, back to the adult jobs listings of The Village Voice.