How have you been, Juice Monkey? Guess where I’m writing you from. Jail! That’s right, America’s favorite guidette is behind bars. I have a throbbing headache and for some reason my butt itches. I have been pounding drinks pretty much nonstop since we got to the Shore, so I guess it was only a matter of time until something bad happened.
I should probably start at the beginning. Since we broke up, I haven’t been able to find anyone to smush with. I tried to seduce Vinny by eating an entire potato with my bare hands. I thought he would be impressed when I unhinged my jaw, but he wasn’t… I was literally BEGGING for Seabiscuit. Deena is having the same problem with Mike. What is with these guys, don’t they wanna hook up?! I tried to be a good friend and help D with Sitch by offering to join them for a threesome. He took the bait, but as soon as we were about to get down to business, I bailed so Deena could have him all to herself. Mike had the nerve to ask Deena if she took a shower that day! Just because she smells like Marlboro Lights and parmesan cheese doesn’t mean she forgot to take a shower. That’s just how she smells.
My week hasn’t been all bad, Sammi actually apologized to me for being such a horrible friend. “I am so wrong and you were so right the entire time,” she said. I am a forgiving person, so I am going to give her another chance. Jwoww, on the other hand, will never be friends with her.
Speaking of Jenni, things aren’t going well with Tom. She is ready to move on and “do her”. To take her mind off her problems, we went to Karma for a little guy shopping. Jwoww bumped in Roger, an old flame, and they hit it off right away. Well, they hit it off until she found out that he has a girlfriend. Why are guys such liars?! We got super wasted at the club. Deena fell off the stage and got kicked out, Jenni peed behind the bar in the VIP room, it was awesome. Pauly’s Israeli stalker showed up and threw a drink at him. What a psycho-bitch!
The next day I was hurting sooo bad at the t-shirt shop and, as you know, the best way to kill a hangover is more alcohol. I kept trying to sneak beers but our stupid boss kept busting me. Doesn’t he realize that WE are the stars of Jersey Shore, not him? We are making six-figures an episode and this jerk thinks he can boss us around. I don’t think so! After work, I went straight to the bar and started doing shots with old people. The last thing I remember is running down the boardwalk looking for the beach.
When I woke up I was sitting in this cell with my fuzzy slippers on. Can you believe the nerve of these cops? I’m a f*ckin’ good person! I’m a celebrity, get me outta here! How are they going to arrest me for “Drunk In Public”? “Drunk in public” might as well be my job description.
Words To Live By:
“Tonight I wanna touch c*ck. And why not Vinny’s? Cause it’s nice.” – Snooki
“That’s like chicken being put on the table with salt and pepper. And someone takes away the chicken.” – Mike
“I invented the ‘Kitchen Ditchin’.” – Mike
“I need a mind condom, because I’m being mind f*cked.” – Ronnie
“Deena calls herself the holiday, I like to call her the Holiday Inn.” – Mike
“My DTF-O-Meter is at like a 10.” – Vinny
“This isn’t like law school, this is a t-shirt shop.” – Snooki
“Old people lose their sex life. And that’s not a fun time. That’s why so many people get divorced.” – Snooki
“My vagina’s out. Ahhhh!” – Snooki