Dear MTV Producers,
Are you d-bag’s trying to get me killed! I don’t know who’s bright idea it was to put me in the same room as Ronnie and Sam this summer, but whoever it was should be terminated. Or executed. You jabronies do realize that MVP is the reason why a lot of viewers tune in, don’t you? You can’t have MVP if the M is quarantined in a hellish, three-bed cell. I can’t even bring chicks back to the house, no one wants to smush next to a couple that is constantly bickering, or worse. I oughta sue MTV for damages, you wouldn’t believe the mental anguish this “situation” has caused. You are forcing me to completely change my character. Sitch is no longer the creepy clown with a designer bag full of one-liners. I’m forced to play the role of instigator. If I wasn’t starting sh*t or trying to convince grenades to put my sweatpants on, I would be completely irrelevant this season.
Yesterday, Ron and I almost came to blows because he thinks I’m all about “girl code”, whatever the hell that means. What Ron doesn’t seem to understand is that I’m neutral. Like Sweden, or Switzerland, or whatever that country is. Later on, Ron and Sam had a blow-out that would rival Pauly D’s hairstyle in on the Blow-Out Scale of Epicness. I really thought they were going to kill each other. In fact, I kind of wish they had killed each other so I could have the room to myself. Ron was trying to get a rise out of Sammi by telling everyone that he had dibs on the Smush Room after the club. Sam called him a “sick pervert” and a “psycho” and announced that she would be looking for “hot guys” and “good times” at Karma. When she got to the club, Sam was getting it in on the dance floor with a bunch of randos and Ron was pounding drinks with a glint of murder in his eyes. I had to usher him out of the club at one point to keep him from getting hemmed up by the cops. When he got home, he went to town on Sammi’s stuff, throwing all of the clothes and crap around the room. He even tossed her bed outside! “Wanna act like a dog, you’re gonna sleep outside like a dog.” Now that’s a break-up right there!
Snooks and Deena are so sweet. They struggled with their little meatball arms to bring Sammi’s bed back inside and set it up in the girl’s room so she didn’t have to sleep next to Ronnie. Despite this kind gesture, Sammi decided (THANK GOD) to bounce out and head home. Good bye and good riddance. Ron is so pathetic. Immediately after Sammi’s departure he was already contemplating how to get her back. “I love her and definitely regret all of the negative shit I’ve done.” Too little, too late, big guy.
Give me more face time next episode, I’m the biggest star on the show. I made 5 million dollars last fiscal year, bitches.
Words To Live By
“When Ron sees me with another guy, we’ll see who has the next laugh.” – Sammi (The first a several botched expressions of the episode).
“I gotta get my backwards hat.” – Mike
“This door is really small and this bed is really wide. its kind of like an analogy for how Vinny’s penis didn’t fit in my pinhole.” – Snooki (The most shocking thing about this sentence isn’t that Nicole calls her woman parts a “pinhole” but that she seems to actually know what an analogy is).
“He had cameltoe going on all on his penis and everything.” – Snooki