Another day, another Jersey Shore recap/review. Since the beginning of season three, we’ve been recapping/reviewing each new episode of MTV’s biggest series (on average, about 7.5 million people are tuning into this biatch every week) for all the reality-TV hating snark-enthusiasts out there, and thus far the response has been great. We may not enjoy every minute we spend with this trainwreck of a TV series, but we’re not in this for ourselves: this is all for you, the gentle Examiner readers of the world. Read on, won’t you?…
This week, MTV aired a double-dose of Jersey Shore, with new episodes airing both Monday and Thursday (which was last night, for those of you who aren’t sure what day today is).
Have you ever watched an episode of Jersey Shore and thought to yourself, “Y’know, I wish this show was longer” or “I wish Jersey Shore was on twice a week!” Well, this week’s double-dose proves that there can be too much of a good thing. Or, to be more specific, there can be too much of a kinda-good-but-not-really-and-you-know-you-shouldn’t-be-wasting-your-time-on-this-trash-but-you-do-so-anyway-and-it’s-all-just-shameful-but-in-an-entertaining-way thing.
Two full hours of Jersey Shore within three days of one another? Not in my top-five favorite things that happened this week. It’s like eating a pound of peanut-butter fudge and then chasing it with a big, steaming mug of queso.
Thankfully, last night’s episode ditched the ongoing Sammi/Ronnie drama (for the most part) to focus on something that’s been brewing since…well, since Jersey Shore started three seasons ago: the ticking time-bomb that is JWOWW and her boyfriend Tom’s relationship. In the first season of the show, Tom came to visit just days after JWOWW had manhandled DJ Pauly D’s junk after a particularly drunken night of clubbing. Because Tom is a stereotypical, shamelessly cliched Guido douchebag, his “Jealous Boyfriend Sense” started tingling the moment he arrived, and before long, he and Jenny were screaming at one another, the relationship apparently destroyed.
Just a little while later, though, Tom turned up as a supporting character during season two, and it became clear that the two hadn’t broken up, after all. In fact, we learned– through the press– that Tom was “managing” JWOWW’s career. Because we’re discussing a couple associated with reality TV (where only the sleaziest people survive), you know that “managing” probably translates to “setting up appearances at car-wash openings and spending his girlfriend’s money” (and, sure enough, there’s some sorta lawsuit unfolding between the two right now that partially deals with that exact suspicion). Yes, despite the fact that Tom is clearly an unstable, ridiculously angry meathead with little to offer other than angry phonecalls, Jenny had stuck with him.
When the third season started and Jenny was still hooked up with this assclown, I was simply dumbfounded. I don’t believe Jenny (I just can’t bring myself to type JWOWW one more time…damnit, I just did, didn’t I?) to be a “high-class”, “fancy”, or “wildly intelligent” catch, but certainly she could do better than some sh-tbag who’s constantly hanging up on her, claiming that she’s done something shady (which, to be fair, she sometimes has), or, y’know, stealing her bed and jewelry or something.
See, when Jersey Shore started, we expected all the male cast members (and, why not: also the females) to basically be like Tom: overbearing, constantly angry at nothing, bitterly jealous, cruel. When you saw the first commercials for Jersey Shore, that’s what you expected. Then it turned out that DJ Pauly D, The Situation, Jenny, Snooki, and Vinnie were all…well…kinda decent people. Sure, they wore obnoxious t-shirts around the clock, pumped their fists, and indiscriminantly hooked up with a series of skanks, grenades, “Gorillas”, and pyschos…but they all meant well, didn’t they? They all had a sense of humor about themselves, and– slowly but surely– they ingratiated themselves to us. We went into Jersey Shore expecting a houseful of Tom’s, but what we got were half a dozen people that were fairly fun to watch.
So, Tom is the kinda guy you normally think of when you think “Jersey shore”, and it’s mindblowing that Jenny has stuck it out with the dude for this long. She’s easily the most attractive of the females in the house, she’s open-minded and outspoken, she has a good business sense (as evidenced by her moderately successful clothing brand and slightly-more successful breasts), and she’s got a good sense of humor. In fact, when you compare Jenny to, say, Sammi…she’s a bit of a catch.
Wait a minute. Am I in love with JWOWW? What’s with all the ass-kissing? You guys are here to see me destroy this show, not to sing its praises. Let’s tackle it from this angle: Jenny’s better than Tom, and even though she’s a sleazy reality TV star whose implants seem to be quickly overshadowing her own personality, we have been waiting for her to pull the plug on this clearly abusive relationship for three straight seasons.
On last night’s show, she finally started taking steps towards that plug: she went out on a couple of dates with a guy that looks like Ed Hardy’s version of a lumberjack; she encouraged herself in this endeavour by engaging in a series of angry phone calls (do they have any other kind?) with Tom; she let the Ed Hardy Lumberjack spend the night– but claims she didn’t sleep with him; and, after she’d given herself a glimpse into this alternate reality, she decided that she’d had enough and took a phone call from Tom that was– in her mind– going to be the last angry phone call they’d ever share. How bittersweet.
The phone call didn’t go so well, though. While Jenny has proven herself more than capable in fights with members of her own gender, it appears that she’s a bit of a mensch when it comes to throwing down with members of the opposite sex: she picked up the phone with a fire lit under her, but when the moment came to pull the plug, she started waffling. Rather than telling Tom, “Y’know what? You suck, you’re a douche, and it’s over: me and my implants are going to date a lumberjack who lives tiger t-shirts”, she started muttering things about “needing a breather” and “taking a break”. Just pull the damn plug already!
Because Tom’s a douche, his natural reaction to all this was to gather up his things, a few of Jenny’s things (including her bed, some jewelry, and– inexplicably– her hard drive), and abandoned Jenny’s dogs inside the house the two share somewhere in the wastelands of Jersey. It was a calculated move designed to force Jenny into leaving the safety and security of Seaside Heights, of course, and there was a moment during last night’s episode where I was certain that Tom would suddenly emerge from one of the closets in Jenny’s house wearing a clown mask (Affliction-branded, of course) and holding a knife.
Perhaps sadly, this didn’t happen: instead, we got some shots of Jenny crying her eyes out while standing by her computer. This is ironic, because that’s exactly what I look like every time I realize that I need to write a new recap/review of Jersey Shore‘s third season.
In other news: Not much. This was a lackluster episode, packed with stuff that really didn’t amount to much (Snooki claims she wants to quit drinking and immediately goes out to a bar and gets a drink; Deena hooks up with some guy that looks exactly like Ronnie; and that’s about it), but it appears– based on the promos for next week’s episode– that things may be heating up soon: we saw Jenny and Ronnie making nice, followed by Sammi having a near-nervous breakdown while witnessing this event, which was then followed by Sammi slugging Ronnie in the face after admitting that, yeah, he’s friends with Jenny. All this was capped off with a shot of Sammi crying on the phone and telling someone that she was leaving the house in Seaside Heights.
I’ll go ahead and say it right now: If Sammi leaves this show for good next week, I’ll do two things. First: I’ll eat both of my thumbs. Secondly: I’ll throw a massive party, and almost all of you will be invited.
My grade for this episode? C+.
Read the Comedy Examiner’s previous Jersey Shore recaps right HERE, HERE, and HERE.
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