I’m a 32 year old guy that has a serious relationship deprivation. You would think with all the single women in San Francisco looking to meet a heterosexual, nice, employed guy that I wouldn’t have a problem dating, but I do!
For some reason, if I see a girl I like, I never have the nerve to ask for her number, to ask her out or anything. I know the old saying “he who hesitates is lost.” I’ve already learned that the hard way, yet I still can’t bring myself to ask a girl out. I think I’m embarrassed what she will think of me if she says no. I don’t know…maybe it boils down to that I’m just afraid of rejection. How can I fix this? I know you will give it to me straight. Let me have it Deb.
Scott Street Dude
Dear Scott Street Dude:
Eat some spinach, Wheaties, Cheerios, whatever you need to get your courage up honey!
You can sit around agonizing about some IMAGINED rejection, or you can get your game face on and RISK rejection in the quest to get what you want. There are plenty of men in their 30s and 40s that are still virgins because they allowed their fears to overwelm them, and totally take over their desire to date and mate.
The first thing you need to do is change your mindset. Instead of giving yourself negative mental messages, think positively. Instead of imagining disaster and failure, think this whole thing through realistically.
Okay, so you ask a girl out and she says “no!” What would happen? Would you die? Would you be beaten half to death and be hospitalized? Would your head explode? Will all your money in the bank go away? Will your family be killed? Would giant monkeys fall from the sky and beat you down? No, none of those major catastrophes will occur — all that will happen is that your hopes for getting something going with THAT woman will be dashed.
But so what?
In reality, you face and handle failure and rejection every day of your life Dude. When you wanted an “A” on a test at school and only get a “B,” how did you feel and what did you do about it? Did you allow that small disappointment to sideline you from school forever? Do you allow a lower grade to prevent you from going to college and getting a degree? No!
What about when you go on a job interview. Sure you want a new job, a better job, because you want more money or opportunities. But they decide you aren’t quite what they are looking for. Do you allow that one rejection to prevent you from sending out your resume and trying other companies? Do you allow a company that wants a different kind of employee to prevent you from ever working again? Sure, it hurts and its certainly disappointing.
But so what?
You go and interview somewhere else until they agree you two are a good fit and you are EXACTLY what they are looking for. You are viewed as an asset to their staff and everyone is excited about having you on the team.
Same thing with asking girls out. Some will give you an “A” and want to see you again and again, and some will give you barely a “C” and won’t care if you life or die. There are no guarantees in life Dude, and there are no guarantees in romance either. Nobody owes you a “yes” just because you ask. Neither does she have to be interested in you just because you are interested in her. But you’ll never know if she is interested if you don’t man up and make the approach happen.
Give yourself permission to strike out. And understand that each rejection is weeding out the women that you aren’t compatible with, getting you ever closer to Ms. Right.