You’re behind on bills, you’re not making enough money, and you hate your job. But cheer up: MTV’s paying a group of imbeciles about $30,000 per episode to lounge around a crappy beach house in New Jersey, wage war against their livers, and fist-pump long into each and every night. As Trent Reznor once said, “Now, doesn’t that make ya feel better?” Read on for our review of last night’s third season premiere of MTV’s Jersey Shore, my gentle Examiner readers…
Well, come on– what were we expecting?
MTV debuted the third season of Jersey Shore last night, and it went almost precisely as you were expecting it to. That is to say: The roommates were all re-introduced to the cameras (as though they need any introduction at this point) on their way to Seaside Heights, NJ, they arrived at the house, one-by-one, they started drinking, and– before the end of their very first day back in the Jersey Shore house– they’d already started disrobing, arguing, aligning themselves into testy little factions, and punching each other square in the face. Who says you can’t go home again?
The big news out of last night’s season premiere is the addition of Deena to the cast. Deena– also called “Deena Nicole” and “D”, because no one from the Jersey Shore can simply have one name (I mean, really, who has just one name anymore?)– is like the offspring of Snooki and JWOWW: she’s boisterous and eager to please, but she’s also ready to throw down the second that she feels that she’s been “disrespected” somehow. Snooki’s the former half of that equation, while Jenny’s the latter.
Is she a good addition to the Jersey Shore house? Well, hard to tell at this point, but I will say that she acquited herself nicely amongst the other house guests. She made a point to be as nice as possible to everyone upon arrival (this, after suggesting that she may be compelled to bang her way through the male portion of the house– whether they’re single or not– on the drive to Seaside Heights), she seems like she’s happy to drink herself into oblivion in the middle of the afternoon (just like everyone else in the house), and she was all too willing to disrobe for The Situation (“accidentally”) after her third drink. What’s not to love?
Ask Sammi. Before anyone else had even arrived at the house, Sammi and Ronnie– who came together, because apparently neither of them have learned their lesson at this point (fun fact: they never will)– seemed to have made up their minds that they wouldn’t be friendly to anyone, and damn the consequences. Not only are Sammi and Ronnie openly hostile to everyone the moment they arrive (especially Jenny and Snooki), but they made the passive-aggressive move of placing themselves in a three-bed room upon arrival, forcing another of the housemates to share space with them, their drama, and their ongoing psychological abuse of one another.
The Situation (oddly quiet during last night’s premiere) gets stuck with them, and we can only imagine how that’s going to turn out. If there was any doubt that Ronnie and Sammi– who virtually ruined the entire Miami jaunt of season two with their constant bickering, backstabbing, and childish whining– are the most selfish, oblivious, repugnant people on Jersey Shore, their decision to screw over literally everyone else in the house in their choice of rooms ended the debate once and for all.
Personally, I believe both Sammi and Ronnie to be scumbags, but Sammi is particularly repellant. She was hard to watch last season, but on last night’s season premiere she was downright impossible to lay eyes on: she’s constantly rolling her eyes at someone, even when they’re being perfectly sincere and friendly; she’s always snickering at something someone’s said, acting as snide as possible to make it clear that she knows– unlike Angelina on last year’s trip to Miami– that she has no friends in the house; she lays in her room making grotesque, frustrated faces at Ronnie while everyone else has fun. Sammi always looks like someone who’s very angry about having just smelled a fart wafting through a room. This is her permanent facial expression, and someone needs to tell her it does not suit her.
Ronnie, meanwhile, is just dumb. One can’t help but kinda love the guy– he’s a big lug, and what guy hasn’t been in a clingy relationship that they’ve felt unable to extricate themselves from?– but that sentiment is starting to wear thin. While that’s been the position all along (that we “can’t help but love the lug”), I promise you this: if he continues to shriek at the other houseguests and pound his chest and stalk around like a chimp on PCP, wildly darting his eyes from face to face and seemingly moments away from smashing everything in front of him for the remainder of the season, he will go down with the good ship Sammi.
Oh, yes, that’s happening. We saw it in the promos for “This season on Jersey Shore” last night: Sammi punching Ron in the face, leaving in a cab, bawling her eyes out. What does it say about me, as a guilty-pleasure-reality-TV watcher, that it delights me to no end to see Sammi upset? That I– and the other people watching the show with me last night– literally cheered when Jenny clocked her in the face in the final moments of last night’s episode? What have we become?
If Jersey Shore is the Colliseum that MTV has built, surely we are all the bloodthirsty, frothing-at-the-mouth spectators in the stands, cheering as the Ed Hardy-sponsored tigers rip these people to shreds for our entertainment.
Besides the obvious tension between “Team Rammi” and the rest of the house, there’s not really much to report from last night’s installment. We don’t know what half-assed, absurd job the castmates are going to have this year (maybe they could volunteer to work at an STD clinic? Wouldn’t that make more sense– and benefit everyone involved– more than working at a f-cking sno-cone shack?). We don’t know what “storylines” this season has in store for us yet. All we know is that the castmates are right where they belong, that Angelina is (blessedly) nowhere to be found, and that Deena will likely be a good addition to the house.
Oh, and that MTV seems all too happy to assist Sammi– through some very basic editing– in making the whole goddamn country hate her. Seriously, if last night’s premiere is any indication, Sammi is the new Angelina, and if there’s something worse that one person can say about another, I’ll be shocked to hear it. She’s clearly the villain of Jersey Shore, season three, and that probably warms the cockles of your charcoal-black, reality-TV-loving heart. It did mine. For, if there was ever a reality TV star who deserved our disdain (Oh, alright: outright hatred) more than Angelina Pivarnick, it’s Sammi “Sweetheart” Whatever-her-last-name-is-I’ll-be-damned-if-I’m-gonna-look-it-up.
Late last year, we promised to watch and recap every episode of Sarah Palin’s Alaska for your amusement, but that– I can admit it now– was a failed experiment waiting to happen. That was simply too much punishment for one writer to take (and we can take a lot, as my fellow Examiners will attest). I had to use the “Eject Seat” on that series only three or four weeks into the process: Sarah Palin’s Alaska was simply too mind-numbingly awful and bland for any human being to watch, even if it was for the snarky, comedic value. But I promise you this, folks: I will not stand down from Jersey Shore, season three.
All season long, we’ll be recapping and reviewing each show in the series for your amusement. There will be moments of outrage, moments of pure joy, and moments of sadness, but we will all get through it. If you’re a Jersey Shore fan, I encourage you to hit the “Subscribe” button so that you don’t miss one of our future recap/reviews. And, if you’re a Jersey Shore hater, I’d like to especially encourage you to hit the “Subscribe” button: these people do a good job making themselves look like idiots, but– much like the editors at MTV– we here at Comedy Examiner HQ are committed to helping them in that regard.
My grade for the Jersey Shore season premiere? B+. I’m looking forward to all the FAIL that lies ahead.
And stay tuned for more funny news, reviews, interviews, and more from Comedy Examiner HQ in the near future, folks. We’ve got all manner of nonsense to keep you entertained and informed during the week, so hit the “Subscribe” button up top to get all future Comedy Examiner articles delivered straight to your inbox, free of charge, the moment they’re published…including all of our future Jersey Shore-related coverage.