Remember when we thought Bill Clinton was a vile and sexually dissolute wretch who led a sordid life in a hidden sexual netherworld and preyed upon slatternly females, inveigling them into participating in perverse, unspeakable acts of depravity? As you float through the halls of time to retrieve your memory of this particular bygone cultural preoccupation with someone else’s sex life, aid your upswell of remembrance by using your mind’s ear to hear Barbra Streisand once again warbling “Misty water-colored memories of….. the….. way….. we…… were.”
But now we once again have truly juicy developments from the only world that matters to anyone who counts, that is, the World of Celebrities Mired in Scandal. Anyone acquainted with the “activities” of Silvio Berlusconi, the three-time Prime Minister of Italy and, oddly for a man who has spent so much of his life in “public service,” the 74th richest man in the world, now can put Slick Willie in a proper context and rest comfortably in the freshly developed conviction that the man who is still trying to understand what the meaning..of..is…is..was a mere piker, possibly even a prude and, at the very least, a man of remarkable restraint and decorum.
Note the following from NBC (and please note, dear reader, that the illustrations, captions, and underlinings have been added by this author and, since the story is so morally complex, the figure captions become longer as the story wears on).
NBC tells us:
“Did you hear the one about Silvio and the Moroccan belly dancer?
Unfortunately, for the 74-year-old Italian leader, most of Italy has – and the people are not pleased.
A confidential new document containing lurid details about the investigation into the nature of Silvio Berlusconi’s relationship with Karima El Mahroug, an under-aged Moroccan belly dancer nicknamed “Ruby the Heart-Stealer,” could be the final straw for the seemingly indestructible Italian leader. I remember seeing three photographs in the Italian press that seemed to sum up the delightful sordidness of the entire affair. Indeed, the three photographs sent me into a half-conscious reverie within which I found myself constructing telling, even if not entirely concise, captions for them. I will refer to them as the captions for Figures 1, 2, and 3, which remain burned into my mind’s eye.
Figure 1. Ruby (Karima El Mahroug) the Belly-Dancing, Under-Aged Heart-Stealer, Caught Pulling Back her Hair in a Winning Manner
Figure 2. Karima El Mahroug, aka Ruby Rubacuori, aka Ruby, the Belly-Dancing, Under-Aged Heart-Stealer, an Adept Practitioner of the Art of Cultural Assimilation, Caught Endearingly Waving Her Hands for Emphasis in the Amusing, Stereotypical Fashion of Her Newly Adopted Homeland
Figure 3. In an Interview, the Rubester, er uh…I mean Karima El Mahroug, aka Ruby Rubacuori, aka Ruby, the Belly-Dancing, Under-Aged Heart-Stealer, Seen Here Fetchingly Arching Her Back for Emphasis in the Italian Manner, Told Police that She Attended a Party at the Home of Prime Minister and Former Media Tycoon Berlusconi at which the Sage Statesman, So Widely Noted for the Tenderness and Sincerity of His Sentiments, Gave Her a Diamond Necklace, 7,000 Euros and an Audi Because He ‘Felt Sorry’ for Her after Hearing Her Undoctored, Self-Effacing, Nonmanipulative, and Highly Scrupulous Account of Her Heart-Breaking Life Story. With no Awareness that She Just Might have the Moroccan Heart-Stealer Equivalent of a PhD in Irony, She Described Her Relationship with Berlusconi to Police: “He was Like a Father, I Swear. Silvio Welcomed Me with Open Arms, He Invited Me into his House. He was so Sweet.” She also Related to Police that One of Berlusconi’s Parties at Which She was in Attendance Ended in an Erotic Game Known to Participants as “Bunga Bunga.” Prime Minister Berlusconi, aka Silvio the Scandal-Magnet, is Currently Being Cruelly Dragged through Divorce Court by His Wife, Veronica Lario, a Woman of Considerable Coarseness, Who is Seemingly Incapable of Understanding or Appreciating Her Husband or His Selflessness or His Ardent Devotion to All Things Marital, Merely Because She Got Wind that He Sneaked off and Attended the Eighteenth Birthday Party of Underwear Model Naomi Letizia. Now this Writer Asks You, Would this Shrew, a Prisoner of Her Own Trite, Deadly Predictable, and Hysterical Over-reactions Prefer that Her Husband Were Gay?
I then did manage to snap from my half-conscious and not entirely undelighful reverie only to immediately hear NBC continue on salaciously with:
“The 389-page investigation, leaked on the Web this week, contains wire taps of phone conversations full of candid details about backdoor dealings and wild parties that suggest the prime minister has lived a life of unconstrained debauchery aided by an entourage of teenage showgirls, television presenters and talent-scouts.”
Under-aged heart- stealer! Unconstrained debauchery! Entourage of teenage showgirls! Villa near Milan! Bunga! Bunga! What an amateur Bill Clinton was! I now see clearly how much we over-rated him, and I must say I now feel cheated.