17 girls left, people. And all of them have already decided they want to marry Brad. Geesh.
This week, once again, has two individual dates and one group date. The first date card arrives and it’s for Ashley, the Nanny: “Let’s find our love song.” Puke. Ashley’s goal for the date? No, it’s not to get to know Brad. No, it’s not to have fun. It’s to get Brad’s tongue in her mouth. Hey, she’s 22. That was probably my goal on every date too.
Ashley and Brad head to Capitol Records to record their own duet. Unfortunately for them, for us and for Seal, they’re singing the song, “Kiss from a Rose”, by Seal. I’m honestly not sure I’ve ever heard two people who sound worse. It’s pretty bad. The fake record producer guy, who is sitting in the nearby sound room, has his head bowed down in horror. He’s incredibly sad they suck so badly, which is just weird. Does he think Brad and Ashley had the potential to release this version and make him a million dollars? Doubtful.
Anyway, after they sing, they walk to a nearby studio, where Seal himself is there singing the very same song. Seal confuses me. I know he pounds Heidi Klum which certainly ups his stock value, but I can’t decide whether I’m completely nauseated by his looks or if I want him to make really violent love to me. It’s confusing my loins…Did I just use the word “loins” and “Seal” in the same breath? Eek.
After Seal, they head outside for a romantic dinner on top of the Capitol Records building. They bond and Ashley tells Brad that “Kiss from a Rose” is actually her song with her dead father. Nice, I guess, but the news probably takes the sexual winds from Brad’s sails. How is he supposed to poke Ashley to that song now? Not going to happen. Anyway, Ashley’s dad died suddenly of a brain aneurism, which is certainly tragic, but seriously, does everyone have a sad Daddy issue on this show? First Brad of course, (but I will remind you that he’s a changed man, people), then Ashley the Dentist, then Ashley the Nanny, and then Chantal and Alli, but you’ll hear about them later.
He later gives Ashley the rose and they make out awhile. Ashley says to the camera, while crying, “I hope that I’m the one for Brad.” So let me get this straight – they’ve been on ONE date and she’s ready to marry him. She’s decided that he’s the one for her already and now she just HOPES she’s the one for him too? One date? The only thing I’ve ever decided after ONE date is whether or not I like his tongue in my mouth. Gross? Yes. Sorry.
Oh I almost forgot. Ashley also says, “It makes me think that even though I lost Brad, I’m going to get a great husband.” She knows her odds are still 17 to 1, right? I hate stupid girls.
This week’s group date is for 12 chicks. We’ve got Lindsey (nice, pretty red head with zero sex appeal. It’s weird), Shawntel (Embalmer. Enough said), Alli (big ass, tall, long teeth), Britt (pretty blond chick who has received approximately four minutes of airtime), Kimberly (strange chick, you’ll see why later), Sarah (nice gal, more like Brad’s sister though), Chantal (car sales women that Brad has unexplained horniness for), Ashley (Dentist), Lisa (Kansas, has received less air time than Britt), Stacey (rough-around-the-edges Boston bartender), Marissa (Sports chick), and finally Michelle (the hot, crazy, annoying bitch).
The girls were apparently instructed to look sporty with a LOT of makeup. They are all wearing black leggings and a bright colored spandex top. I think it would’ve been great if just ONE of them were wearing classic blue gym sweat pants from Walmart. The girls meet Brad at a studio and they find out they’re filming an action movie. Didn’t they just film something last week? Is there so little excitement here that the producers need to script kissing scenes so they actually happen? Why don’t they just go whole-hog and write a good drug-infused group sex scene?
Anyway, Alli comments that she doesn’t want to sweat in front of Brad. Gee, she sounds fun. I bet she’s the chick who won’t get naked in front of a guy until she’s under the covers with the lights out. No wait! I bet she’s the chick who has sex while still wearing her shirt. Well, forget it, I do that too. What? Don’t judge. It’s tiring taking off ALL your clothes. What’s the point? You just put them back on two minutes later. I mean, two hours later. Yeah, two hours. That’s what I meant.
Meanwhile, back at the house Madison is talking to the camera saying that she really hopes she gets a date with Brad this week. She says, “Brad has only seen me in one or two lights, so a one-on-one date is really what I need.” So she wants Brad to know the real her, huh? Hey Madison, here’s a suggestion: STOP PRETENDING TO BE A F**KING VAMPIRE.
The last date card arrives and it’s for Emily, the widow, which means Meghan, Jackie and Madison don’t get dates at all this week. Emily needs to tell Brad about her ex-fiancé and daughter, but is afraid he’s going to run for the hills. So if the love of your life died tragically in a plane crash and you found out five days later you were pregnant with his child, and you told your new boyfriend this story and he decided he didn’t like you…you’d actually want to be with this douche? If I were Emily, I would’ve thrown that out there on the first date. Then I would’ve tacked on, “And if you don’t like it Brad Womack, you can suck it.” (Again, Emily and I might be a tad different.)
Back on the Action movie date…Brad says that Shawntel is really standing out to him today. It MIGHT have something to do with the fact that she has to make out with him while he’s naked, tied to a pole, while the other girls just beat up Japanese men…but sure, Brad, whatever you say. Shawntel likes making out with Brad and comments, “If we were to ever be married, it just shows how good I would feel all the time.” Oh Shawntel, so much to learn about marriage, my child. Wow.
They head to a wrap party on some random roof, where they all jump in the pool. I love when the chicks jump in after Brad, fully clothed, trying to look fun and carefree…but plugging their nose when they jump in. It’s funny for some reason.
Chantal has apparently decided that dating Brad is like an aerobics class, as she claims tonight she has to “really step it up”. Sooo, her definition of stepping it up, is cornering Brad alone and then bawling to him about…you guessed it…her dead dad. They didn’t talk for 15 years, she finally found him, but he was dead. Bummer yes, but WHY are you telling Brad this? Chicks love this damsel in distress thing. Because chicks that cry get attention from nice guys like Brad. But guess what? Secretly…inside…he also thinks you’re bat-s**t crazy. So stop it.
Aaaand now for the weekly occurrence of Jen bawling: Emily is telling all the girls her story about Ricky, her dead fiancé, and Ricky, her alive daughter and I’m bawling. Enter my husband…he sees me…I’m crying…at the Bachelor. I feverishly try to explain why it’s so tragic, but he’s already walking out of the room, murmuring something under his breath about how he never gets laid on Monday nights. I yell at him, “You would if you were Roberto!” We really do have a healthy marriage, I swear.
Back at the wrap party, Alli takes Brad aside for some one-on-one time, which is quickly interrupted by Michelle. This chick is nuts. And I’m horrified to remember she’s a mother. She makes out with Brad, and later tells the camera that she achieved everything she wanted to tonight. (Apparently her to-do list consisted of: Making out with Brad, making enemies with 16 other women and in general, looking like a crazy whore. Done!)
Brad gives the rose to Shawntel, because she’s a kick-ass embalmer. I guess. They kiss for a bit and it’s clear she’s initiating it and he doesn’t look that excited by it.
The other girls describe Emily as “an itsy-bitsy Barbie with the soul of Mother Theresa”. Seriously, if I had a dime for every time I was described as having “the soul of Mother Theresa”, well, I’d have…forget it. (Unless…do you think maybe Mother Theresa writes a weekly article about the scandals going on in the Vatican? “Did you SEE what Cardinal William was wearing? What a douche!” Seriously, what am I talking about…)
Sweet Emily is excited to go out with Brad and he seems into her, as well. For their date, he picks her up and drives her to an airport, where they pull up right next to a private plane…much like the one her dead fiancé died in. When it crashed. While she was pregnant with his baby. That he didn’t know about. The Producer of this show needs to be shot. What an a**hole.
On the plane, Brad asks her if planes scare her. She says, “I’m pretty tough.” MAN, is he going to feel like a dick later.
They head to a winery and have a cold picnic on a blanket. Emily won’t open up, despite Brad’s attempt at forcing info out of her. She deflects like a champ. Brad is confused, yes, but again, MAN is he going to feel like a dick soon.
She spits out somehow that she’s only been in love once and Brad asks why that didn’t work out. I cringe a little at his wording. She finally replies, “Well, Brad it didn’t “work out” as you put it, because it’s difficult to have a relationship with a man they can’t find. Which they can’t. Because he died. In a plane crash. Much like the one you just put me in, to get to this piece-of-s**t vineyard. But I’m having a GREAT time, thanks!”
They go inside to a barn (gee thanks for the grade “A” treatment here, Brad) and she begins drinking. A lot. She finally tells him her whole story. (Side note: me=crying again). Of course, he’s nice, apologetic and sweet, asking her to tell him about her daughter. Shocker. He gives her the rose and when the Bachelor camera asks him later how he’s feeling, he says, “The way I’m feeling right now is the way people feel when they begin a future with somebody.” He says it like he’s about to have a small orgasm in his pants. He LIKES her. So do I. Did you hear that, America? I LIKE someone on this show!
Brad is a changed man, yes, but that change doesn’t necessarily sustain itself. Sometimes, you need to work with a temporary therapist when you’re on location filming your reality show. So some douche comes to the house to give Brad a shot of therapy before the next rose ceremony. They talk a bit and he gives Brad some advice, which I’m actually quite unclear on. At one point, Therapist says, “Bingo” and I feel like that would be exciting to hear out of the words of your therapist, right? He blabs on and on about how Brad needs to make himself vulnerable and I decide immediately that it would take a LOT for me to go to therapy. Not that I don’t need it…but MAN would it suck.
Chantal looks like a clown. Alli wrapped herself up as a gift for Brad to unwrap. Her words, not mine. I hate these people. Sigh.
Alli then pulls Brad aside and tells him about…say it with me…her daddy issues. Her Dad cheated on her Mom, and then one day, years later, he told Alli that she has a sister she doesn’t know about. Yes, this is news she should’ve heard earlier. You know what else she should’ve been told earlier? That she should shave a couple centimeters off her two front teeth. Sorry, just sayin’.
Michelle, who is seriously a wack, says that it bothers her that Brad is talking to other girls, and kissing other girls. Ummm, does she know she’s on The Bachelor? Has she seen this show? Why are the hottest chicks the most insecure? Seriously, if I looked like her, I’d spend my days staring into a mirror and trying to have sex with myself.
Brad keeps talking about his physical chemistry with Chantal. I don’t get it…we are looking at the same girl, correct? She’s not ugly, but I don’t see the hotness. She’s a little less crazy than Michelle, though. You gotta give her that. Speaking of crazy horse, Michelle pulls him aside and tells him that they’re in a fight. He asks why. She says that after they kissed on the group date, he then kissed Chantal and Shawntel. She follows it up with, “So explain yourself.” Personally, if I were Brad I would’ve slapped the bitch. But Brad says, “Well, Michelle, not sure if you’ve noticed the cameras but we’re on a show called the Bachelor. Which, by definition, means I’m not tied to any of you ass clowns. Not only can I make out with any of you, but I’ve already banged two chicks in the pool house tonight. So suck it.” No, he didn’t. He just tells the Bachelor camera how playful she is because she jokes. Ummm, Brad? Ummm. Forget it. You’ll find out for yourself. And I sort of can’t wait to see it happen.
Madison (Vampire) and Brad have a chat where she is less than clear about her unhappiness. Here’s what I get out of the situation:
What Madison basically says: “Hearing Emily’s story changed my mind about what I want out of this. It makes a girl think. She needs to find someone. I came here wanting to find love, but it was easier to show my fun side. I owe you where my mind is at.” Confused? Me too.
What Madison really means: “I’m crazy. Like REALLY crazy. Certifiable, actually. I mean, I wear vampire fangs daily. It’s really weird. And now I see that you’re normal and hot and I seriously don’t stand a chance with you. So I’m out. That cool? It’s a full moon and I have things to do.”
Side note: As a vampire, how does she do her hair and makeup so well if she can’t see her reflection in a mirror? Just a thought. Sit on that, people.
Ashley the Nanny, Shawntel and Emily already have roses, and Brad has a whopping 11 more roses to give out. That means we still have 13 chicks. (See? We’ll wrap this up sometime in 2012)
He gives the remaining 11 roses to:
Michelle (hot but getting crazier by the day)
Chantal (not as hot, not as crazy)
Lisa (Kansas, my sofa has more personality)
Ashley (Dentist with big forehead)
Marissa (sporty, but that’s STILL all I know)
Britt (cute, but need I remind you…the girl potty trained her rabbit)
Alli (long teeth)
Lindsey (cute red head with zero role on this show)
Meghan (lesbian. There, I said it)
Stacey (Boston Bartender. Will kick your ass)
Therefore the chicks who are heading home this week are Madison, Kimberly and Sarah. Yes, Madison walks out of the rose ceremony and takes off, but for reasons that remain REALLY unclear. In a nutshell, Vampires don’t marry nice guys like Brad.
Kimberly shows her acting chops by showing the most impressive display of false confidence I’ve ever seen. She says that he was simply intimidated by her, most guys do find her attractive and then she tacks on a very classy, “F**K Brad. His loss.” Yes, I’m sure Brad is home watching this episode, crying at his great loss. As he bangs his new beautiful fiancé, Emily. Just sayin’.
Anyway, that’s it for this week, peeps. See you next time!
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For last week’s recap, click here!