If you’re not a regular The View viewer, you probably think that Whoopi Goldberg is a reasonably intelligent lady. After all, she’s one of a handful of performers in history to win an Emmy, a Grammy and Oscars AND a Tony.
When Comedy Examiner Scott Wampler heard that he’d drawn Elisabeth “Celiac Disease” Hasselbeck against my Whoopi Goldberg in Round 1 of The View Thunderdome, he probably thought he had the competition all locked up.
You couldn’t win all those awards and still be a complete idiot, right? Wrong.
Whoopi Goldberg has proved herself to be a tour de force in the new ultra-anti-intellectual American media landscape.
From defending Roman Polanski with a carefully crafted argument of, “It wasn’t rape-rape” (See Video Exhibit A in the lefthand column) to proudly accusing the New York Times of being too hard to read, Whoopi Goldberg is a natural born nitwit and a strong contender for The View Thunderdome title.
Look out Hasselblech–you’re going down.
List of Grievances:
1. Her billowing man sweatshirts are large enough to hide untold numbers of WMDs
2. After launching a five minute tirade on The View during which she whipped her Academy Award out from under an aforementioned billowing man sweatshirt and slammed it down on The View coffee table, Whoopi shrieked that the New York Times needs to start checking their facts and accused them of “sloppy journalism”. During her forced apology, she justified her tantrum by stating: “I personally found the article really confusing to read.”
3. Whoopi justified Michael Vick’s dogfighting and subsequent torture and execution of dogs as “part of his cultural upbringing”
4. Exhibit B: The pirate’s hat displayed in the upper left hand corner of this article
5. After famously stating that Roman Polanski’s sodomy of a 13-year-old girl wasn’t “rape-rape,” she defended her comments
6. Defended Mel Gibson by saying that she personally “knows” he’s not a racist
7. In defense of Jesse James after he cheated on Sandra Bullock with Bombshell McGee, Whoopi Goldberg had this to say: “It’s nobody’s fault. It happens sometimes.”
-In response to Howard Stern’s statements that Gabourey Sidibe’s future in Hollywood would be severely limited by her weight and could send her to an early grave, Whoopi Goldberg offered this defense: “John Candy, John Belushi, John Goodman, Chris Farley. No on-I don’t recall anyone saying they would not have careers.” (Note: 3 out of 4 of these actors died before age 45)
8. Her filmography includes ‘Burglar,’ ‘Corrina, Corrina’ and the TV series ‘Baghdad Cafe’.
Good luck beating this chick on the Twit-o-Meter Wampler!
See the Comedy Examiner Scott Wampler’s rebuttal in which he argues that Elisabeth Hasselbeck is the dumbest person on The View here
Follow The View Examiner on Twitter and Facebook
Want email updates on The View? Subscribe here