I have to say, I’m a bit terrified to recap this show after watching it last night and familiarizing myself with the “pageant community” and reading some of their message boards. Yikes and a half. So I’m pretty sure there will be an angry mob forming at my door looking for my severed head to parade around if this recap doesn’t go so well.
But they might have to get behind the Bethenny Frankel army after I wrote this feat of quasi-journalism.
So anyway, I watched “Toddlers and Tiaras” last night, and to me…I don’t get the big deal. I think everything having to do with kids is exactly like this. I grew up in competitive skating and All-Star Cheerleading, so I didn’t bat an eyelash over what these parents were forking out for the kids, or the hair and makeup part of it. A pair of figure skates costs $1,000. My 4 year old wears glitter and makeup for All-Stars, so that to me isn’t so shocking.
And yes, you will always have bizzare-o parents who take themselves entirely too seriously and make it about filling their childhood voids, rather than producing a well-rounded, productive member of society. This episode showed us that two out of three pageant parents were totally off their rockers.
This week we got to see three lovely girls: Mia, Ava, and Aishlynn. All vying for the “Ultimate Supreme Goddess of Nutville Texas” or whatever that thing was called. The winner got a $1,000 cash prize and blah, blah, blah.
Mia is a two year old with a complete nutbar mother. Mia is supposedly, “Totally 80’s” and knows all of the Jane Fonda workouts by heart. Not at all because Mia’s mom might be slightly BSC for the 80’s herself, this is just a totally spontaneous thing that all two year olds do. My two year old is “Sweating to the Oldies” right now.
Mia’s story is kind of boring because, well, in my opinion beauty pageants for kids younger than age 5 are like dog shows. Prance around a bit, make them look pretty and give ’em a treat for holding still and not biting a judge. But what was freaky about Mia’s story was the busting out a 2 year old in full on Madonna “Blonde Ambition” tour cone bra. Yes America, this weird parent not only felt totally appropriate to put her toddler in a cone bra, but this was accepted by other adults and given a trophy. In what solar system is that remotely acceptable? Bikini? Fine. Cone Bra? No. A hundred times NO.
Then there was Ava. Well really there was Ava’s dad, who lives and breathes Ava’s pageant career including designing and sewing all of her dresses and costumes. And yes, people are all “He’s soooooo geigh.” Which to me…whatever. I have a pretty good gaydar, and he wasn’t pinging as Tehz Geyz to me. The dresses would’ve been prettier. He struck me as someone a little over the top and a bit nuts that maybe wanted to be pretty and on stage, but never got the opportunity.
So I guess Ava fell once at a pageant which makes her Dad all nervous forever that this might happen again and further stigmatize the child for life. Yes, it would be the ‘fall’ doing that and not the insane person in the crowd doing the “Lady Gaga” dance for a three year old to mime. Okaaaaaaaays.
Ava didn’t do very well because, well, her dresses are hideous. There I said it. Not that I’ve ever seen a pageant dress I would willfully put my child in, but compared to the others, hers were bad. But what’s scary to me is looking at those message boards this morning and seeing people say that Ava didn’t win because she was ‘chubby’. A three year old. Whatever.
And finally there was the weirdly spelled “Aishlynn”. Poor kid. Not even her mother knows how to pronounce her name, because she said it differently every time. Aishlynn is a cute girl that will probably do very well in pageants. Her mom is young, but doesn’t seem nutso about it, and it looked like Aishlynn had some outside coaching involved too. What cracked me up like it always does was the pixie stick thing. Way to send the message that “Stimulants Win”…can’t you just give the kid $5 if she goes out and does what she’s supposed to do? I used to get $5 for every jump I landed and a $10 kicker for a clean routine. My mom didn’t pump me full of “Kiddie Meth” to get me to perform! What ever happened to good old fashioned bribery?
So that was this week’s T&T. What did we learn? Nothing. Nothing at all. But it seems like harmless fun…for now.
Read more: http://www.chicagonow.com/blogs/reality-zen-with-jenn/#ixzz1AHZgkOMn