Yes, love is in the air: it’s Valentine’s Day. All over the world, people are frantically making last-minute plans with their significant other in observation of this, the most holy of holidays. But let’s say you forgot that today’s Valentine’s Day. And let’s say that you’ve only got until…oh, I dunno, 6 pm to figure out how you’re going to make your loved one feel memorable. What’re you going to do? You’re going to read on for our list of the “Top 10 Things Not to Get Your Loved One This Valentine’s Day”, that’s what. Read on, my gentle Examiner readers…
Today’s Valentine’s Day. What, you forgot? Yeah, you and about a billion other people. Despite the fact that Valentine’s Day is the first major holiday after Christmas, it’s often forgotten, generally by the male-half of a relationship (or, if the couple is gay, “The Butch” in the relationship*)(*=source: Wikipedia).
Every year on February 14th, millions of people find themselves in a panic after coming to work and realizing that they haven’t made any plans or purchased any gifts for their significant other. In fact, one of the most common– but little-known– traditions of Valentine’s Day is the “Panicked Lunch-Break Gift Run”, where forgetful spouses are forced to spend their entire lunch hour picking out something classy for their special someone.
So, what are you going to purchase during your last-minute, mad-dash to the mall? You’ve been dating your significant other for months (perhaps years!) and you have no idea what you oughtta buy. The first thing you need to do is this: Don’t panic. If you panic, all hope will be lost. All you have to do is read our top ten list below, and as long as you don’t purchase any of the things listed below, you should make it through Valentine’s Day relatively unscathed (relative to, say, John Wayne Bobbitt).
With that in mind (the gifts, not John Wayne Bobbitt), here’s our list of the “Top 10 Things Not to Get Your Loved One This Valentine’s Day”:
10. SEASON ONE OF MTV’S JERSEY SHORE ON DVD
This would be a completely romantic gift and a great present for the person you’re in love with…except you bought it on DVD rather than Blu-ray. That’s no way to treat your soul mate! What kind of lowlife would buy an entire season of TV’s sleaziest reality show for their loved one,..that’s not even in the highest-definition possible? Completely unacceptable. If you really want to please your husband/wife/boyfriend/girlfriend/she-male this Valentine’s Day, pick up the first season of Jersey Shore on Blu-ray.
9. A TOUR OF COLONIAL WILLIAMSBURG
Nothing says “romance” like a trip to Colonial Era-America, but over the past few years, Colonial Williamsburg has become a hot-bed for junkies, rogue mimes, and Japanese tourists with a penchant for group photography. If you’re determined to take your mate on a tour of a bunch of slave owners’ houses this Valentine’s Day, make sure it’s Monticello. Really, this oughtta be common sense by now, folks. Williamsburg is the Detroit of Colonial Era-tour stops.
8. THE COLLECTED WORKS OF JUSTIN BIEBER
Your girlfriend/wife/she-male isn’t a pre-teen girl. Yes, yes, all the Girl Scouts you hang out with have been talking about how “dreamy” Justin Bieber is lately and how “sick” his music is, but you’re forgetting a few things; A) you shouldn’t be hanging out with Girl Scouts in the first place (it’s just not socially acceptable anymore); B) Girl Scouts rarely know what they’re talking about; and C) if you allow Justin Bieber into your home, you run the risk of catching “Bieber Fever” yourself. If you really want to impress your significant other, gents, we suggest the collected works of Sting: now that’s some romantic music!
7. A MAIL-ORDER ORPHAN
Maybe your significant other has been pressuring you to have a child. Maybe they’ve been dropping hints about how great it would be to “have a baby”, or tip-toeing around the issue with statements like, “I want you to impregnate me immediately so that we can have our own child”. Those kind of subtle clues might lead you to believe that a mail-order orphan– from Thailand, perhaps– would be a great Valentine’s Day gift. You’re probably thinking, “Hey, it’s like having a kid, but without all the hassle of actually making the baby, carrying it for nine months, and then delivering it!” You’re right to recognize the romance in this situation, but studies have shown that most spouses prefer receiving mail-order orphans on Christmas, not Valentine’s Day. Save that mail-a-baby for the end of the year!
6. ANY OF THE “TWILIGHT” MOVIES, “TWILIGHT” BOOKS, OR “TWILIGHT” MERCHANDISE
Because only single women love Twilight. The rest of them are too busy actually having their own love lives.
5. A MEET-AND-GREET WITH CHARLIE SHEEN
Charlie Sheen’s a celebrity, so you’re probably thinking that your spouse– who just loves “Two and a Half Men”– would be thrilled to meet him. But the cold reality is this: if you bring your significant other near Charlie Sheen (especially if she’s a woman, sometimes if she’s a she-male, and only rarely if she’s actually a guy), he will sleep with them. It’s just science, people. Nothing ruins Valentine’s Day quicker than your significant other sleeping with Charlie Sheen right in front of you, so avoid this gift at all costs.
4. THIRTY-TWO POUNDS OF GARLIC BREAD
Your spouse loves garlic bread, so thirty-two pounds of garlic bread would make a pretty good present, right? No. Not at all. Besides the fact that garlic makes one’s breath stink (which will only get in the way of your post-Valentine’s Day dinner lovemakin’), excessive consumption of bread makes one fat. Trust me, the last thing you want to see after your romantic, Valentine’s Day dinner is an overweight, garlic-butter-streaked beast laying in bed. It’s simply not romantic.
3. A SUBSCRIPTION TO “HIGHLIGHTS FOR CHILDREN” MAGAZINE
2. A WEDDING RING
Did you and your last girlfriend recognize July 1st as your anniversary? That’s the day that you want to propose to your current girlfriend. Furthermore, you want to tell her that you picked the day because it has “emotional significance” to you, and then tell her that it’s you and your ex’s anniversary. Or, it was. She’ll realize that you’ve gotten over that messy break-up once and for all, and that– by picking this day to propose marriage– that you’re interested in establishing a new reason to celebrate July 1st. But proposing on Valentine’s Day? That’s just immature.
1. HEPATITIS C
Never, ever– under any circumstances– should you give your spouse Hep-C on Valentine’s Day. Or any day, for that matter. But especially Valentine’s Day. Total buzz-kill. You’ve been warned.
Well, that about does it, folks. If you just refrain from getting your significant other any of the things that we’ve listed above, it should be smooth-sailing between now and when you turn off the lights in the bedroom this evening. And, if you don’t have a significant other and are looking to celebrate Valentine’s Day in your own way, then we do recommend selecting one of the things from the list above and giving them to one of your your co-workers. If nothing else, it’ll make for a very interesting afternoon at the office. Just imagine your boss’ surprise when he learns that you gave him, say, Hep-C! It’ll be a Valentine’s Day to remember.
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