Warning! Reading of the true stories below may result in the following symptoms: Feeling incredibly bright and hating dumb people.
1. At an automobile service station in Bayside, Queens, New York, a customer became irate over having been charged $3 less than the amount charged on his bill, proceeding to scream at the service representative.
2. A psychiatrist from Great Neck, New York filled a jar that had been sent to him by Viagra (no idea why) filled it with peppermint candies. One female client asked if it was all right to take some. The doctor, who wishes to remain anonymous for obvious reasons, said yes. She reached into the jar and pulled out a bulging handful. On another occasion, a young man also asked if he could take some candy, and ate it during the session. Then he told the doctor that he could feel the candy working. The doctor’s reply: “Time’s up!”
3. A bank customer gave the teller a withdrawal slip for a few hundred dollars and asked for large bills. The teller’s reply: “I’m sorry but all our bills are the same size.”
4. A couple went to pick up their car, but had been informed that their keys were locked in. They sent to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly on the driver’s-side door. The wife, waiting on the passenger side, instinctively tried the handle and the door opened. When she informed the mechanic of this, he replied: “I know. I already got that side.”
5. A family had to have their garage door repaired. The repairman informed them that their problem was that the motor on the opener wasn’t large enough. But the family had the largest one made at the time, 1/2 horsepower. The repairman said that they needed a 1/4 horsepower, because 4 is larger than 2.
6. A mother and daughter went through a McDonald’s take-out window and gave the clerk a $5 bill to handle the $4.25 total. The mom also handed her a quarter, so she could get back a full dollar as change. The clerk complained that the mom had given her too much money, and couldn’t understand the logic of giving back a full dollar. The clerk then called the manager and repeated the mom’s request. The manager apologized, saying that they didn’t do that sort of thing. The clerk then proceeded to give the mom back $1.75 in change…
7. A concerned citizen in Kentucky called the local township administrative office to suggest that a certain Deer Crossing sign be removed. Why? Because, the citizen reasoned, too many deer were being hit by cars there, and they should find somewhere else to cross.
8. A Taco Bell employee was stumped after being asked to give only “minimal lettuce” in a taco. The employee apologized, because that Taco Bell only had iceberg lettuce.
9. At an airport in Birmingham, Alabama, an airport official asked a traveler whether anyone had placed something in the traveler’s bag without their knowledge. The traveler said that if such a thing were done without her knowledge, how could she know? The airport official smiled and said, “That’s why we ask.”
10. The stoplight on the corner of a street buzzes when it’s safe to cross. A probation officer asked the recounter of this delightful tale if she knew what the buzzer was for. She was informed that it was for blind people to know when the light is red. The probation officer scoffed, saying “What on earth are blind people doing driving?”
11. At a farewell luncheon for an old coworker who was forced to leave the company (Texas Instruments) due to downsizing, the manager joyously commented that the luncheon was fun and they should do this more often.
12. A bright deputy with the Dallas County Sheriff’s office plugged a power strip back into itself and couldn’t understsand why the system wouldn’t turn on.
13. A child named “Le-a” attends a school in Kansas City, Mo. Her mom was getting annoyed due to everyone in the school getting her name wrong. Was it Lea? Leah? When the mom came into the school, she declared that the proper pronunciation was “Ledasha,” because “the dash don’t be silent.”
Here’s hoping that the above stories haven’t turned you into too much of a misanthrope. If anything, be glad that you aren’t any of the above. And if you are, well, you probably can’t read this anyway.