Not only do we find ourselves attracted to losers, we also seem to want what we can’t have! There is always that one person in our lives that we want to be with but they don’t see us the same way. You know who I am talking about, the completely unattainable person that won’t give you the romantic time of day. We pursue and pursue and get nowhere! What is the attraction to people we can’t have? Do we only want hard to get? Or is it just hard to get what we want?
One reason for this persistent behavior may be that we just like the chase. Sure, being chased is fun, but most of us like to be the chasers. Maybe it is the whole hunter-gatherer concept. We go on a hunt for the unattainable person and gather as much information about them as possible. Then we use that information to stalk, pursue, follow and insist! There is a secret part of us that really likes this enchantment. We are all just conquerors on the hunt to conquer our conquests in hopes of seductive victory. It may be about an ego boost and a power trip. Getting the person that keeps rejecting you is the ultimate conquest, because it is more of a challenge.
We all love a challenge! When someone is too available we seem to become less available. Challenges keep us on our toes and keep us engaged in dating competition. Human beings are competitive by nature. This is why we love sports and other various forms of contests and competitions. We don’t want the person that is too easy because there is no challenge for us, but we also don’t want the person that we want to be too much of a challenge. It is that push-pull that messes with all of our heads at some point. But one thing is for sure — we do love a good chase!
Another reason why people may continue chasing the unattainable is the need to feel wanted. We all want to feel wanted and needed. The best way to feel completely wanted is to obtain the one who doesn’t want you. It can be an overcompensation of a lack of self esteem or self worth. Sometimes we just need to prove to ourselves that people still want us and that we are valuable and worthwhile. And sometimes it is okay to be persistent and want to feel wanted. It is normal to need a small amount of validation from others — we are still human. Or, maybe you want the unattainable because you are still unattainable yourself. Pursuing someone who will never want you is an easy way to continue to NOT allow yourself to let anyone in. This is a form of self protection and fear of intimacy.
Sometimes the desire to be with someone unattainable fades away once you are able to get that person. Again, sometimes we just want the challenge, sometimes we just need an ego boost, maybe we are scared of getting too close to someone, or sometimes we just realize that we just wanted what we couldn’t have. If you are pursuing someone that you know you can’t have you have to ask yourself why. Do you just like the chase? Do you just want the attention? Or are you scared of intimacy? In any case it sucks to want someone that you can’t have. You may just have to keep admiring from afar. But seriously though, don’t keep pursuing someone who clearly doesn’t want you. If you can’t have them — you don’t need them! If you are scared to get too close — seek counseling!